Resolutions (in no particular order)

1. Only one cup of coffee a day
2. Achieve a 4.0 in school
3. Regularly attend church and bible study
4. Look for beauty in the little things
5. Keep Tobias alive
6. Make an effort to meet new people
7. Work out at least 4 days a week
8. Spend less money
9. Drink more water and less soda
10. Get more sun
11. Wear my hair down more often
12. Eat regularly and healthily
13. Be more involved with the sorority
14. Journal more
15. Get a boyfriend...?

Hear My Cry

Lord,
I can't begin to express the emotional agony that I feel right now. I wish there was another option, but I understand that there is not, and I will obey what you desire of me. But Lord, there is a gaping wound on my heart! Please Father, I beg you to begin to fill the hole that has taken the place of my heart. I need you. I need you! I trust that you know what you're doing, but God I am hurting so immensely right now, I can't even see straight. I miss her. So please, begin the healing process now, Lord. Fill me with you. Make me dependent on you alone. Be my one desire. Send me some people who can support me and hold me accountable. I am broken and you alone can put me back together. So please do so, Lord. I trust you. I love you. Please, hear my cry.

My Heart Belongs to Thee

I find myself extremely frustrated right now. Sometimes I don't understand other peoples' actions or the thoughts that lead to them in the first place. All I know is my own heart and my own thoughts, and though my track record isn't a fantastic one, I am trying to make sure that my actions are carefully considered beforehand and glorifying to God.
Today I was challenged--my thoughts and actions were both challenged. I felt that I was inaccurately judged and became very angry. I felt an intense need to defend myself to this person, but I also felt that doing so would not help anything. God is teaching me that he is to be the only one that I aim to please, and that I am to work to bring him glory, by loving him first and his people second.
I was also forced to think about the impression that I give off to other people, and I realize that I need to make some changes. Sometimes I feel that, while we are called to carry each others' burdens, we as humans aren't very good at it. We grow tired of hearing the complaints and sorrows and lamentations and hurts of other people. After a while we become short with each other and want those with issues to "snap out of it" or "get over it." Some are more patient than others with this type of thing (I know that what I say is true because I was raised to have a "no pain, no gain" mentality and have a very hard time being patient and empathizing with others). So where is the line between sharing one's heart with others and allowing our struggles to be kept between only us and God?
God knows my heart, which means he knows that I do my best to trust that his timing is perfect regardless of how I feel about it. He is also aware of my heart and its hurts, joys, and deepest desires.
I've realized that I have to be careful with how much I share with other people; not in an attempt to be dishonest or deceiving, but rather as a way to make sure that I am not depending on anyone but God to fulfill me and have the answers that I am looking for. Sharing too much can complicate things and I've had to learn that the hard way. Even when people have the best of intentions, they're only human, and therefore aren't capable of fully understanding another person's heart the way our Creator does. As a result they make inaccurate assumptions about what others are thinking and feeling. Because we are all prone to these mistakes in judgment, we must all be aware of what we are sharing with other people and how our actions are being perceived by others.
I think my mistake was looking to people for comfort rather than praying and letting God know what was going on and allowing him to take care of me. Being comforted by other people is not wrong, but when one is depending upon them alone for comfort and reassurance it becomes a problem. I was letting God in on what was going on, but I wasn't doing a good job of being in his word and allowing him to comfort me and bring me peace.
So, here is yet another goal I have: to find solace in God alone, to remember that I am answerable to him alone, to empathize with and love his children to the best of my ability; and to share my struggles with my brothers and sisters with care, making sure that I am clear and striving to bring glory to God and not myself.

Social Butterfly? Not So Much.

While I am very ready to go back to school, to the dorm room that has become my home, and resume my routine, I have found myself rather discouraged and overwhelmed by what awaits me there. Or rather, what doesn't await me. I've been asked questions about school and my classes and my sorority countless times, by friends, parents of friends, relatives, everyone. My answer is always a variation of "School is great. I'm really enjoying it. I'm very happy there." It's not that this answer isn't true--I do enjoy school, and I am happy at UNT--I've simply left out part of the truth. When I answer their questions I leave out the part about how I'm lonely; how I spent most of the last semester alone in my room. The hard part for me is that I enjoy being alone. Of course I get lonely sometimes, but on the whole, I am ok with spending the majority of my time alone. Now, I say this is the hard part because, while I don't mind the solitary, I need to get connected, to make friends where I am and find a community of people that will support me and help me grow.
This next semester I plan on doing exactly that. I have no doubt that it will be difficult to leave my comfort zone and meet new people, but I feel that it's something I have to do. If I'm going to serve God and love him, I must also love the people around me, for they are his children, as am I. I have to learn to invest in other peoples' lives. God is teaching me so many things; I feel that if I share these teachings with other people, they might also be enriched and encouraged. I long to know the hearts of the people around me; I desire to invest in them, to have an impact on their lives in the name of Jesus, that he would use me to reach other people. But I don't know how this will ever be a possibility if I stay in my room, sharing my thoughts only on paper.
So, this being said, my goal for this next semester is to spend time with the people around me. To meet some classmates and join a study group; to spend time with my sorority sisters and support them in their endeavors; to cherish these last months that I'm living with Liz and use them to learn her heart and be an encouragement to her.
I don't think it'll be easy at all. But I do think that God desires me to do this, and my prayer is that ultimately I will bring him glory in doing so.
Whew. Here I go.

Psalm 139

Lord, you have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and when I stand up; you understand my thoughts from far away. You observe my travels and my rest; you are aware of all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue, you know all about it, Lord. You have encircled me; you have laced your hand on me. This extraordinary knowledge is beyond me. It is lofty; I am unable to reach it.
Where can I go to escape your spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I make my bed in Sheol, you are there. If I live at the eastern horizon or settle at the western limits, even there your hand will lead me; your right hand will hold on to me. If i say, "Surely the darkness will hid me, and the light around me will become night"--even the darkness is not night to you. The night shines like the day; darkness and light are alike to you.
For it was you who created my inward parts; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I will praise you, because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, and I know this very well. My bones were not hidden from you when I was made in secret, when I was formed in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw me when I was formless; all my days were written in your book and planned before a single one of them began.
God, how difficult your thoughts are for me to comprehend; how vast their sum is! If I counted them, they would outnumber the grains of sand; when I wake up, I am still with you.
God, if only you would kill the wicked--you bloodthirsty men, stay away from me--who invoke you deceitfully. Your enemies swear by you falsely. Lord don't I hate those who hate you, and detest those who rebel against you? I hate them with extreme hatred; I consider them my enemies.
Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my concerns. See if there is any offensive way in me; lead me in the everlasting way."
Psalm 139

The bold part of this scripture is verse fifteen of the psalm. In another translation, the verse reads like this: "my bones were not hidden from you, when I was made in secret and sewed together in the depths of the earth. " This is the verse that I'm focused on right now. The notion that I am here for a specific purpose, that I am not sitting in this chair by accident, is a wonderful one that I take great comfort in.
So often I get distracted and lose sight of my goal. I forget what I'm supposed to be focused on. I've realized that the I am happiest when my eyes are set above, on the one who not only knows my future, but planned it out specifically for me. I need God to tell me who I am, so when I forget to look to him, I ultimately lose sight of myself--this only leads to sadness, confusion, frustration, and stagnation. The world is a maze, and without instruction from the one who can see the entire thing at once, making one's way is extremely difficult, if not impossible.
I put a piece of thread around my wrist so that I will be reminded when I see it that I am not a mistake; that the God of the universe sewed my body together with his own two hands. I pray that I will be reminded that, like the piece of thread, I am only a small part of something much larger than myself. I am a part of God's story, a member of his family. And thankfully, I am not in charge of my own life--I tried to be for a while and nothing good came from that; only hurt.
To the best of my ability, I am putting my faith in God, trusting that he knows what's best for me and will fulfill that in my life if I let him. It's just that...sometimes it's so hard to be patient and not take things into my own hands. While I know this solution is destined to fail 100% of the time, yet it is tempting, nevertheless. Sometimes I get tired of waiting for the things that I so desire--if avoiding temptation was easy, we as humans wouldn't be in this mess that we've found ourselves in. So I'm praying that the Lord will make me steadfast, so that I may be faithful and allow him to have my whole heart and my entire life.
There is one thing that I am certain of--his plans are better than mine.

Not Your Typical Game of Hide and Seek

"If God never did anything else for you, he would still deserve your continual praise for the rest of your life because of what Jesus did for you on the cross. God's son died for you! This is the greatest reason for worship."

I wonder where we got the idea that we deserve the things that we have.

It has been said that if you can read, you are among the rich; and if you can afford to buy a book to read, you are among the richest in the world. In 2006, Books-A-Million made $520 million on book sales in the United States. How dare we complain?

The quote above comes from Rick Warren's devotional The Purpose Driven Life. Reading the book has given me lots of new things to think about. One thing that Warren talks about is the presence of God. Sometimes God intentionally hides himself from us for the purpose of testing and maturing our relationship with him. While he promises that he will never leave us, God desires faith from us, whether we feel him near or not.

Sometime during my senior year of high school God began to distance himself from me. I believe he was testing me, and I realize now that I didn't exactly pass with flying colors. When I ceased to feel the Lord's presence, I became angry and confused and scared. It isn't that God can't handle these emotions from us, because he can. The problem was that I was dependent on my feelings rather than my faith. In other words, I didn't feel God, so I began to doubt his presence all together. Selfishly, I wanted to God to make it obvious that he was with me and when it wasn't so obvious anymore I said 'forget it'.

Perhaps God knew that the only way I was going to learn the true meaning of faith was if I spent over a year doing things my way--hence the pit I'm currently making my way out of, by the grace of God. The past year without the Lord's direction was miserable. I allowed Satan to latch onto my weaknesses and take full advantage of them, wreaking havoc upon every aspect of who I was. Demons from my past came flying back at me with frightening force. I began making terrible choices and all of my relationships suffered because of them. Occasionally God would make himself known to me, and I would rejoice and praise him in relief...until he left again. Every time he backed off again I dug a little more desperately and sunk a little deeper. He reassured me that he was faithful countless times, to no avail. I'm sure it pained him to know that I was going to have to learn this lesson the hard way.

We are given a perfect example of what true faith in the Lord looks like in the life of Job. Considered the greatest man in the East, Job lived comfortably in the country of Uz with his wife, ten children, and large estate. One day the Lord spotted Satan among Job's sons. When God expressed pleasure at the glory that Job's life brought to him, the evil one said of course he worships you! Look at all his wealth! He has nothing to be afraid of; nothing has tested his faith. I assure you that if you strike down his possessions, Job will curse you to your face.

So God gave all of Job's possessions over to Satan under the condition that he leave Job himself alone. So it came to be--in the course of one day Job lost everything: his children, his wife, his livestock, his servants. He was left with nothing. While Job's losses and his suffering were great, his response to it all was much greater.

"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
and naked I will leave this life.
The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away.
Praise the name of the Lord."

This isn't to say that Job wasn't angry and heartbroken, confused and lonely--of course he was--but in spite of his feelings, he remained faithful to the Lord, praising his name all the while. God rewarded Job for his faith and integrity by later multiplying his wealth and surrounding him with family members who would comfort and uplift him. What an incredible display of faith on Job's part and faithfulness on God's!

So back to Rick Warren's quote at the beginning. God doesn't owe us anything. We, on the other hand, have him to thank for our very lives. I am fortunate enough to be able to write these words, and you are fortunate to have the ability to read them. However, even if we had absolutely nothing, God would still deserve our worship nonetheless. He did his part by becoming human and dying on our behalf. He gave us this life, and it is our job to have faith that he is who he says he is, regardless of whether we feel his presence or not.

"Therefore, since we also have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares us, and run with endurance the race that lies before us, keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that lay before Him endured a cross and despised the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of God's throne."
Hebrews 12: 1-2

Who Needs a Rope?

Perhaps if I had listened to him earlier, had I done so many things differently, I wouldn't be in this pit that I've found myself in. It came out of nowhere. This pit whose depth all of a sudden reaches far beyond what I am capable of hoisting myself out of. This pit that I never anticipated, never intended. The same pit that I dug with my own two hands.
Unfortunately it is impossible to dig in reverse--holes only become deeper as one continues to struggle and claw at their sides, desperately seeking a way out, all the while worsening their situation. The dictionary describes holes as hollow openings; cavities. Hollow. Empty. Sounds right. The ironic part is that I never realized I was even digging, much less that the deeper I dug, the more vastly I was consumed by the emptiness. Eventually I became too tired to dig anymore and sat down in exasperation. I looked up at my handiwork in horror--how did this happen?--and saw God poking his head over the edge. Beloved, are you ready to come out yet?
Tears pooled and stung my eyes, and I looked at my feet, ashamed. Yes I'm ready to come out. But how? I'm in so deep! There's no way out! There isn't a rope long enough to reach me down here.
Oh, my love. Don't you see? With me there's always a way out. The grace I offer is more abundant than the deepest hole you could ever dig. You don't need a rope. You need me, my child.
I cry out with relief as the floor of the hole rises up a few feet underneath me. I've got a ways to go before I'll be able to reach the edges, but things seem better now. Hours, even days go by, and I expect him to take a break, to leave me alone like I deserve, but there he sits, peering over the side, smiling at me. The floor of the hole continues to slowly rise, and as I sit there I begin to talk to him. I tell him how sorry I am for everything I've done. I cry as I tell him of my desire for love; how my heart aches to be cherished by someone. I ask him how much longer I must wait until I'll have someone to share my life on earth with and I beg him to make that time short. He listens as I tell him of broken relationships and suffocating loneliness. He sees my tears and I am surprised when he begins to weep with me. He says he knows that my heart hurts, and his aches with me. Beloved, he says, I am Sovereign, and through me all things are possible. I have incredible plans for you, dear one, plans that I will fulfill just as I have promised you. You were created to be in communion with me. I long for you to share your life with me, to cry with you when your heart aches and dance with you when you are overflowing with joy. You are mine and I love you more deeply than you can imagine.
He says these things and my heart begins to feel lighter. There are billions of people on this planet, yet he loves me as if I were the only one he ever created. He is right--I don't understand. But how grateful am I to be the child of a such a compassionate, loving, forgiving father!
I've still a ways to go--the hole I've dug is extremely deep--but I will continue to use this time to catch up with this man who is unceasingly interested in everything about me. I will look up with a renewed hope at the sight of him leaning over the edge, taking such pleasure in our conversation. I tell him a silly thought I have, and he laughs, saying he enjoys my sense of humor--he created it along with the rest of my personality. I smile as think to myself...perhaps these pits we so often find ourselves in aren't all bad.

Thank you Father for second chances, for infinite second chances. You are so good. You created me so that I might bring you pleasure and you stand by with divine patience and incomprehensible love. Thank you. Please Father, mend broken hearts and restore relationships that are crumbling. Above all I long to bring glory to you, to live my life as a never ending act of worship that pleases you. Your will be done, Lord. You are sovereign. YOU are sovereign. Renew my strength in my time of need and be a source of comfort in this time of sorrow. Teach me new things. Share your plans with me. Be near to me, Lord. I desire to walk alongside you and bring you with me where I go. Make me slow to anger but firm in my convictions. Hear my cries, but don't allow me to dwell. Use me however you please. Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening.

Over all the earth, you reign on high; every mountain stream, every sunset sky. But my one request, Lord my only aim, is that you'd reign in me again. Lord reign in me, reign in your power; over all my dreams, in my darkest hour. You are the Lord of all I am, so won't you reign in me again?