Fixed Mistakes and Second Chances

It's just not for me.
Sorority life, I mean. It isn't my thing, and perhaps if I'm honest with myself, I was never supposed to be in a sorority in the first place. No one was really surprised when they found out I'd decided to give up my membership in Alpha Delta Pi, although it seemed rather sudden. I just walked in and quit on Thursday afternoon. I was done. Funny how even when we make mistakes, God is able to use those mistakes for good and fit them right back into the plan, as if no mistake was ever made.
When I came here to college, Jesus and I weren't exactly on speaking terms. I won't say I was angry with him, because truth is I wasn't; I had simply chosen to ignore him altogether. So when rush started the day after orientation, I jumped right in. There was no harm in seeing what it was all about, right? I could back out any time I wanted. No pressure. However true those statements might have been, it didn't feel that way at the time. I felt like this was my only opportunity to meet people and get plugged in; it was a way for me to make my mom proud of me--my mom IS proud of me, but for some reason I am constantly looking for ways anyway; it was my chance to fit in and feel welcomed. So I stopped thinking and dove in head first. I converse with ease and am able to get along with diverse groups of people. The sororities all seemed to like me. Somehow I felt fake; talking to these girls was exhausting and not what I had anticipated. Three days later I received my bid from Alpha Delta Pi, and accepted it with a smile.
Bid day was fun, and there was laughter among the sorority, as the girls in the new pledge class were brought into the house and introduced to their new sisters. I laughed along with the rest of them, perhaps I laughed even louder. I seemed to fit in just fine, and this was what I had longed for all along. Yet, still, something felt off.
I began the balancing act of making meetings, events, and parties as well as attending my three hour night classes. Perhaps this wouldn't have been such a challenge for me had I not been hurting so on the inside. Some days getting out of bed was difficult, and attending a cocktail party seemed horrifying and impossible. I made all of the mandatory parties but one, and the one I missed was due to a class.
Once the craze of initiation and starting school slowed down, things seemed to be more manageable. Things with the sorority, I mean. My life seemed to become more unmanageable every day. On Monday nights I had sorority meetings, and this time spent with the girls was stressful and tiresome. I couldn't believe the way that the girls treated and talked about each other, much less that they actually thought their behavior was ok. I figured that they talked about me, too, when I wasn't around. The feeling of belonging had dissolved entirely. I still attended meetings and was sociable, but began to feel more and more that I didn't need to be there. I stuck it out through the semester, and was relieved when our meetings stopped for the break.
Over the break I couldn't take things the way they were anymore and finally allowed God to have my undivided attention. The Lord blessed me incredibly for this, while what I deserved was to be cast away and forgotten about. I began to seek him throughout the day and ask him to show me his will for my life, seeing as mine was failing pretty miserably. God was absolutely faithful in this, and I realized that when I went back to school, changes would have to be made and I was to get involved in a church and find a community in which I felt genuinely welcomed and loved. I wasn't sure what I would do about the sorority yet but I planned on taking things one step at a time--I trusted that he would show me what to do, and he most certainly did.
The week classes started back, so did Alpha Delta Pi's spring rush period. This meant that every day that week we would be required to attend parties at the sorority house talking to and rating new prospects. I only made it through one night. I felt deflated and discouraged when I got home--there was no building people up at the house, but rather arguments and harsh words between the girls as they disagreed over who to invite back to the second rush party. This was it. I prayed to the Lord and told him that if I was supposed to stay in the sorority I would, and asked him, if this was the case, to help me get through it because I didn't think I would be able to. Get Out, was all he said.
The next day I walked to the house, resigned my membership, and left. Though the decision was an emotional one as I felt I was letting people down by simply quitting, I felt and still feel confident that it was what God had called me to do, and I am thankful to Him for not only teaching me about myself in spite of a choice I made without his approval, but also for rescuing me from it.
The evening I quit the sorority I wasn't sure what to do with myself, and then I remembered that I had looked into a bible study earlier in the week--it was starting in an hour. I took a shower, grabbed my bible, and left. Only when I got to the door of the house in which the group meets did I realize that I didn't know a soul there and I would have to walk in alone. I have never felt more welcomed by a group of strangers in my life. These girls treated me as if they'd known me for years. How the Lord will bless us when we allow him to do so!

I cannot wait to see what God does with my life this semester; how he changes me, molds me, and heals me. There is much work to be done, and I have already slipped a few times, but for once I am reaching out and asking God to carry me through this. I've seen what it looks like without his involvement, and it's pretty bleak. I need to be healed and redeemed and I have finally realized that he is the only one who can do this. Not only is he capable, but he wants to! God wants to bring me out of this, though I deserve to sit and fester in the pit I've dug. I trust that I will be taught a lot this semester about who the Lord is and what he can do--I look forward to it with great anticipation.

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
As I go from nothing to Eternity
-Hosanna, Hillsong United-