The File Cabinet Men

It has recently occurred to me that not everyone's process of metacognition works the way mine does. What I mean is, not everyone thinks about the way they think in the same way I do. See, in my head there is a multitude of tiny men surrounded by tiny four-drawer file cabinets. These file cabinets contain every single fact and detail and emotion that I currently possess. (Apparently I'm subconsciously sexist because there are no File Cabinet Women. Only men. Perhaps this is because a bunch of women crammed in a small space together would become catty and hurt each others' feelings, making things quite inefficient for processing thoughts.) Anyway, each tiny man, or FCM (short for File Cabinet Man), is in charge of his own file cabinet. So, for instance, there is a specific FCM who knows things like my name, my address, and other general information about me; there is another in charge of math and yet another in charge of, say, rage.
These FCMs are generally very good at what they do, and rarely drop the ball. However, there are moments. For instance, on one occasion, a Random Facts FCM is casually organizing his files when, to his utter dismay, he comes across a file labeled, "Psychology Paper Due Monday." This isn't mine! Frantically, he asks the FCM in charge of dates what day it was. When he confirms that it is indeed Monday, the Dates FCM consults with the FCM in charge of school classes and syllabuses, who confirms that yes, there is in fact a paper due in psychology at 11:00. Now, these three run across the maze of file cabinets to find the FCM in charge of recent activity. No, he says, panic across his face, I've no record of any paper being written! We have no psychology paper! At this point there are FCMs running around everywhere in a flurry of files. The Bullshit FCM is called in to come up with enough information to formulate a paper, and then hands it off to the Grammar and Punctuation FCM who scans it for errors. Once the paper is complete and satisfactory, a team of Emotions FCMs comes in and calms everyone down. Within an hour, files have been put back into place and everything is once again in order. A ball was dropped, but the recovery was quite impressive.
There are also times when the FCMs happen upon some sort of glitch and become confused. This is, predictably, most common in the Emotions Department. The Laughter and Appropriateness FCMs are prone to arguments. Often the man in charge of laughter will register that something is funny and insist that I laugh; concurrently, the Appropriateness FCM is trying to stifle him with a file that tells him that this is in fact NOT an appropriate moment for laughter. Therefore, some laughs make it through while others do not, resulting in ridiculous snorting sounds that the Embarrassment FCM blushes at. Glitches are also commonly found in the anxiety file cabinet. The Anxiety FCM will read a file that says, "Biology Test Thursday" and begins to panic. Are we prepared for this?! He runs to the Recent Activities FCM who assures him that the test has been prepared for, but when the Bullshit FCM says that he is trying to pull one over on him, a fight breaks out between the three. Anxiety FCM runs around screaming while Bullshit and Recent Activities argue over whether the file that claims studying occurred is legitimate, or if it really belongs with the False Hope FCM. See, this is where things get complicated. In order to sort this out, the Anxiety FCM will need to visit the Logic FCM, who will convince him that my GPA will not plummet with one bad test grade, and that this is not his fault. The Bullshit FCM will need to be calmed down as well, and the Recent Activities FCM will have to have a meeting with the False Hope FCM in which they will decide the ultimate fate of the file. Obviously, The File Cabinet Men are still learning to work with each other, though overall they do a pretty good job.
Not only do these minuscule men have to constantly be on their game, but they must also deal with the curves I throw at them. The Caffeine FCM is responsible for knowing exactly when and how much caffeine that I've consumed and then pass memos out to the other FCMs telling them to work faster. Recently, I decide that I will not have any caffeine one day. This makes Caffeine FCM VERY angry. He has no job to do now, and is bored, so he sits on top of his file cabinet and does nothing. When the other FCMs, who are working very hard, see this and become irritated. Well if he's not going to do anything, I am most certainly not going to bust my butt to get this stuff done. Now I've got a bunch of pissed off FCMs and, consequently, a terrible headache. Needless to say, my Caffeine FCM is highly persuasive and capable of easily throwing things off kilter.
When I begin drinking vast amounts of water, the Bodily Functions FCM, who is pressing for a bathroom break, wants to drop kick the Recent Activities FCM when he informs him that I have, in fact, just had another liter of water. Once again Logic FCM must drop what he is doing and explain to Bodily Functions that Recent Activities is only doing his job by reporting my recent activities, all the while Caffeine FCM is hollering at everyone to hurry up and do what they need to do.
My File Cabinet Men are focused, ambitious little people, and work very hard to keep functioning properly in society. So, if you ask me a question and I do something that seems irrational, chances are there's been a glitch and several men are trying their hardest to fix it as soon as possible. If you would be so kind, simply wait a few moments while they sort things out and then graciously repeat the question. Etiquette FCM says thank you.