What would happen if I didn't get up this time? Why should I even bother? Who cares?
These are usually my first thoughts upon waking. I lower my head back down onto the pillow and consider leaving it there until I am able to come up with a good enough reason to get up and resume my position as a member of society. I consider the worst that could happen if I didn't show up for life one day. Maybe miss a couple of classes, a meeting. And then I realize I don't really care about those things anyway.
But in the end my feet hit the floor and I'm present and accounted for, another day.
More than the dulled emotions, the lack of sensation; I hate being on the fence in conflict. I hate that I want. Want to let go and either feel fully or disappear under the covers for good. Both offers stand. All that's left is to choose, and for some reason, my mind refuses to be lulled completely either way. Instead I hover in the purgatory that is between life and death.
Sometimes I forget that I'm alive. I pass a mirror and gasp at my reflection. Is that me? I have eyes and a nose and mouth. My legs carry me around at my command. My ears tell me that there is someone behind me, that I am not, in fact, alone. Weird. And then there's this room I'm in...it's full of things. Clothes, books, toothpaste, a bed with a Teddy Bear named Isaac propped up on a pillow. Then it hits me: These aren't just things. They're my things. Neatly strewn about the room, they remind me of who I am, how I'm supposed to be. And I'm thankful for them. I spent so much time working not to find my identity in things, and now I need them to remind me of who I am. I've come full circle.
I'm not sure what it will take for me to break the surface and rise out of this partial existence that I've found myself in. Perhaps a revelation. A breakdown. A near-death experience. Maybe I won't come up. Maybe this is where I'll stay--below the surface with just enough air to keep me alive and nothing more. But, maybe...if I could just get a hand above the water, someone could pull me out. It would be incredibly difficult, an unbelievable struggle. My hand would be bruised and broken, and I would be screaming, but even still, if I could just reach out far enough...someone could pull me out and breathe some life into me; I could borrow some of there's. And maybe even start breathing on my own someday.
Please, Jesus, grab my hand and put me on your life support, because breathing underwater isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Take my hand and walk with me a while
Cause it seems your smile has left you
And don't give in, when you fall apart
And your broken heart has failed you
I'll set a light up
On a hilltop
To show you my love
For this world to see
You can borrow mine
When your hope is gone
Borrow mine
When you can't go on
'Cause the world will not defeat you
When we're side by side
When your faith is hard to find
You can borrow mine
Take my love when all that you can see
Is the raging sea all around us
And don't give up 'cause I'm not letting go
And the God we know will not fail us
We'll lay it all down
As we call out
Sweet Savior
help our unbelief
You can borrow mine
When your hope is gone
Borrow mine
When you can't go on
'Cause the world will not defeat you
When we're side by side
When your faith is hard to find
You can borrow mine
When you are weak
Unable to speak
You are not alone
The God who has saved us
Will never forsake us
he's coming to take us
Take us to our home
You can borrow mine
When your hope is gone
Borrow mine
When you can't go on
'Cause the world will not defeat you
When we're side by side
When your faith is hard to find
When your faith is hard to find
You can borrow mine
Take my hand
Take my love
Don't give in
Don't give up
"Borrow Mine"
-Bebo Norman
