To My Future Husband

You don't know yet what you've gotten yourself into by marrying me--I admire you, brave soul! No but seriously, I will do my best to be a wonderful wife to you and I can't wait for our life together to begin...and I can say with confidence that neither can my mother.  She will be so relieved when we settle down together.  

I am praying that God continues to show you new and wonderful things about himself daily, and that your heart would belong to him always.  May you seek unswervingly to serve him and bring him glory. 

Thank you in advance for loving me.  I can be a very difficult person to love, but know that I cherish you and will give you all of me and love you to the best of my ability. 

I cannot wait to meet you.  I long for the day, in fact.  I wonder if you've thought of me yet?  Are we unknowingly walking around the same campus every day?  

I promise to be your best friend; to support you and love you and serve you the way that Jesus would have me do so.  I promise to be faithful and honest with you.  I promise to laugh at myself.  I'll even watch football with you if you promise to watch my dumb shows with me.  I promise to put only Jesus before you.  I promise to learn how to cook one decent meal, if you will, too--that way we'll have some variety.  I promise to give you my whole heart, leaving nothing out.  

I want to laugh with you; to spend time with you doing nothing of importance. I want to help carry your burdens in times of pain, and dance with you in times of joy.  I want to raise babies with you; to grow old together.  

Though sometimes I wish we had already met, I am thankful that the Lord's timing is perfect and I will meet you exactly when I am supposed to.  So for now, know that I am thinking of you. I love you. 

And What Might This Be?

I took an ink blot test on Wednesday. Before you jump to conclusions and assume I've gone off the deep end and been locked away somewhere, let me just say that I did it to get extra credit in my psychology of the offender course. See, if we volunteer to participate in studies that the psychology graduate students do, we can earn extra credit in our psych classes! It's brilliant, really.
Anyway, I volunteered to help out a grad student who was the TA in one of my classes last semester. His name is Jacob and he's very nice (Unfortunately he's married). Jacob needs me to come see him twice and take some routine psychological tests so that he can practice administering them in order to get his degree. Wednesday was my first visit and it proved to be quite interesting. I met him in the psychology clinic at Terrill Hall and he took me into big room with a nice couch, and we began the first part of the testing.
Ok, Claire, first of all, this test is completely anonymous and it's only being used for teaching purposes. Thanks so much for helping me out. I'll need to ask you some routine questions about your background and medical history. Is that ok?

Sure.

Alright. Has anyone in your family ever had a nervous breakdown?

Not one that was ever diagnosed. Hahaha. Oh. Sorry. Um, no.

Any mental retardation in your family?

Nope.

Is there any mental illness?

(I pause for a second and wonder if I should launch into the details of my extended families. Either side of the family would be quite a field day for someone like Jacob) Mmm, no. We're all pretty normal. (I picture my mother's reaction to this and laugh out loud.) Sorry. We're normal. I promise.

At this point Jacob is probably already questioning whether or not he should trust my answers. I made a joke about one question and then randomly laughed out loud during another one. He assured me there was no reason to be nervous, that he wasn't analyzing me. Good to know, Jacob.
After some more boring questions about my performance in school and my social life, we move on to the ink blot test. The official name for this test is the Rorschach Ink Blot Test. There are ten official inkblots. Five inkblots are black ink on white paper. Two are black and red ink on white paper. Three are multicolored. After the individual has seen and responded to all the inkblots, the tester then gives them to him again one at a time to study. The test subject is asked to note where he sees what he originally saw and what makes it look like that. The blot can also be rotated. As the subject is examining the inkblots, the psychologist writes down everything the subject says or does, no matter how trivial.
Now that you know how the test is administered, I can tell you just how awkard yet hilarious this experience was. Every time Jacob handed me a card, he would say And what might this be? It was very difficult for me to keep a straight face. I wanted to use my British accent and say Hmm, yes, quite a quandary this is. What might that be? But I didn't. I took the card from him and stared at the blot. At first I didn't see anything, which made me concerned, so I had a little internal conversation with myself before proceeding.

Should I see something? This only looks like an inkblot to me! Oh my God I'm going to fail the inkblot test. Ok, Claire, be cool. Flip the card over. Maybe then it'll come...

A monster.

Great. A monster? Really? Surely that can't be a good answer. Do better on the next card.

A crab.
A bowl with something sticking out of it.
Oh, that's a bat.
A fountain.
A skyscraper between two cliffs. Duh.
Seahorses.
An angry face. Chuckle.

By the end of the test I felt I'd quite gotten the hang of it. All I had to do was tell Jacob what the blot looked like to me and hand him back the card!

Jacob: Alrighty, Claire, that was perfect. Now here's what we're going to do. We're going to go back through the cards and I'm going to read your answers back to you. I need you to show me on the card where you saw what you did, ok?

Uh oh. I have to explain my answers? Great. He isn't going to see them the way I saw them and then I'm going to fail the inkblot test.

Well, as it turns out, I passed (Everyone passes. It's impossible to fail the inkblot test, though you could come out with unfavorable results. Like being crazy). I was able to convince Jacob of all but the crab. He just couldn't see the crab. I tried. I gestured and I outlined and I told him to squint, but he still couldn't see my crab. But, I figure nine out of ten isn't too bad. Jacob tells me that I am a wonderful test subject and that he'll email my teacher about my extra credit and call me in a couple weeks for my MMPI test.

That's a check yes or no test, and I think I'm better at those. I just can't wait.

And That's My Final Answer

Last night I had to go back to the sorority house for a meeting that I was told would officially cancel my membership in the sorority. I thought I'd already done this, but I showed up anyway. The adviser and the other girls who were in the meeting with me tried for fifteen minutes to convince me to stay in and give it one more shot. Obviously, my mind was already made up, and I apologized and said that I wasn't going to be coming back. The adviser explained that they had recognized some of the problems within the sorority and that they were working on it and that I shouldn't take this decision lightly. Duh. Then the other one said this: "And I mean, you have such a great voice. We'd really hate to lose that."
Seriously?
The only reason this girl gave for wanting me to stick around was the fact that I can sing. They talk about how they stand for good character and integrity and sisterhood, yet they guilt tripped me the entire time, and made it seem like the only reason they even wanted me to come back at all was because I could sing. Well that, and it makes the sorority look bad to have people leave. That meeting solidified my earlier decision to leave.
Although I'm annoyed at how things were handled by the sorority, I'm relieved to be done with everything. I've left the building, and I've taken my great voice with me.

Jenga

We bow our hearts, we bend our knees
Oh, Spirit, come make us humble.
We turn our eyes from evil things,
Oh, Lord, we cast down our idols.

Give us clean hands, give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another.
Give us clean hands, give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another.

Oh, God let us be a generation that seeks,
That seeks your face, Oh God of Jacob.

We sang this song during a worship service I went to last night and it's been on my mind ever since. I've always loved this song, but today it bears a new significance in my mind. Really the one line "we cast down our idols" is what my focus has been on.
I have been so convicted lately of the things that I put before the Lord on a daily basis. For a while I let my list of idols stack up and stack up until I had this massive pile of things that were starting to block my view of the Lord completely. He let this go on for a while, allowing me to pick things up and move them around, only to move them again a short while later; it was an ongoing balancing act between me and my stuff.
When the time was right, God came in and simply nudged my pile, sending the whole thing crashing to the ground, my concerns and secrets flying about every which way. What are you doing?! Do you know how hard it is for me to keep everything just where it's supposed to be?! I lashed out, furious at him for what he'd done, and began trying to scrounge everything back up thinking that it would take me forever to get everything put back in its place.
He lifted my chin so that I was facing him. Claire. Of course I know how hard you've worked to keep all this together. But don't you see you're wasting your time? You've missed the mark entirely on this one.
God was trying to explain to me that rather than continue this balancing act I had going on, all I needed to do was forget about all of it and let it fall where it may. I was so focused on my pile of idols that I was starting to lose sight of what was really important in my life.
So here we are, Jesus and I, sorting through this jumbled pile of things. He tells me which things stay and which things have to go. Sometimes I argue with him and clamp onto something, refusing to let him have it. He is patient, and reminds me of who I am and what I really need. Slowly, my grip loosens and I hand it over.
The pile has begun to dwindle, and sometimes this makes me extremely nervous. But it has also brought a sense of peace, for which I am grateful. My pile and I must become smaller, so that Jesus can become larger. That is my goal.

Holy Showers

Sometimes when I'm in the shower, as the water runs over me and rinses the impurities from my body, I imagine the water flowing inside me and washing clean my heart and mind as well. I picture the water taking away the dirt and making me white and pure as snow. But imagination will only take me so far. No shower will ever make me fully clean--it will only rinse my physical body and give me the illusion of cleanliness, while on the inside I am still filthy. When I walk around like this I feel transparent, as if people are able to see straight through my seemingly pure outside and into the dirt and grime that coats my insides. And I am so ashamed.
The shame I feel is immense. It is consuming and overwhelming.
While I am still standing under the water, I remember that because of Jesus, I have no real need for this water--it's cleansing properties are only symbolic. It does nothing. All that is required of me is to ask, and I will be made clean; I will be pure. Shame has no place here.
Why can't I seem to remember this except for when I'm in the shower?
I think we as believers sometimes forget that we need to be washed in the blood of Christ daily, if not hourly, or even by the minute. Rather than repenting when we mess up and starting over then and there, we sometimes think well, today is shot. Maybe tomorrow. But we aren't called to live like this at all! We are commanded to repent, accept that we are forgiven, and take up our cross once again. This, however, does not make it acceptable to live in habitual sin. What I mean is, we cannot have a mindset that says, I know this is wrong, but I'm going to do it anyway, and then I'll ask for forgiveness later and start over...until I decide to do it again.
This is arrogance in its truest form. When we repent for the sake of repenting we are missing the point entirely. We should be filled with remorse over our sin. When we repent while knowing in the back of our minds that we plan on committing the same transgression again, it can be said that we are taking pride in this particular sin. In fact, chapter 5 of 1 Corinthians says that those who live like this should be "cast out from among you." If the church is aware that a member of its body is living in habitual sin without remorse, he should be excluded from the body, rather than having his sins looked over. Now, I am not saying that anyone who commits a certain sin more than once should not be allowed into the church. If a person is truly repentant and desires to change and seek holiness, of course he should be welcomed. We all struggle with specific sins, and we all fall short of grace, but what separates us is how we handle this. We cannot allow ourselves to simply live in sin, or to condone our brothers and sisters who do so.
Satan is sneaky and a great deceiver--he will target our weaknesses and use them against us to the best of his ability. Because of this, we have to continually allow Christ to wash over us and shield us from Satan's cunning. When we decide that the day is ruined because we messed up, we are letting Satan win. It's that simple. When we distance ourselves from God because we have sinned, we leave ourselves unprotected and at the mercy of Satan's games.
Suppose I wake up in the morning and take a shower. I step out of the shower clean and refreshed, ready to start the day. If, as I step out the door, I trip and fall into a puddle of mud, am I going to think 'well, too bad. I already took my shower. I suppose I'll wait until tomorrow and see if I can stay clean then'? Of course not! If I'm falling in mud you can be sure that I am marching right back to my room and taking another shower. Just as we pay attention to our outward cleanliness, we must also be aware of the state of our hearts. When something happens and our heart gets dirty, we have to take a "holy shower," if you will. What I mean is, we have to communicate with Jesus and ask and allow him to come in and make us clean again. We can do this as many times in a day as we need to, so why would we not? Why would we walk around dirty, when we have the option to be purified?
Don't let me fool you into thinking that I write this out of experience. I happen to be fantastic at allowing one mistake to ruin my entire day. But Jesus has faithfully made me aware of this pitfall, and I am learning that I must be diligent in my communication with him. He wants nothing more than for us to take him with us wherever we go. But when we allow a sin to consume us and fill us with shame, we might as well be leaving Jesus at the doorstep and saying Sorry, you can't come in here right now. Everything is a huge mess. Come back tomorrow. Do you see the irony in this? We want Jesus to wait outside while we clean things up, while he is the only one who knows where everything goes!
My prayer is that we, as his body, would be diligent in letting Christ wash over us throughout the day, and that we would not allow sin to discourage us, but rather accept that we are forgiven and receive that. I pray that we would not allow our pride to disable us; that we would clothe ourselves in humility and walk in righteousness.
Remember that when you feel filthy, the answer is as simple as a holy shower.

Lord, I want more of you.
Living water, rain down on me.
Lord, I need more of you.
Living breath of life, come fill me up.
--Shane Bernard, We Are Hungry--

Fixed Mistakes and Second Chances

It's just not for me.
Sorority life, I mean. It isn't my thing, and perhaps if I'm honest with myself, I was never supposed to be in a sorority in the first place. No one was really surprised when they found out I'd decided to give up my membership in Alpha Delta Pi, although it seemed rather sudden. I just walked in and quit on Thursday afternoon. I was done. Funny how even when we make mistakes, God is able to use those mistakes for good and fit them right back into the plan, as if no mistake was ever made.
When I came here to college, Jesus and I weren't exactly on speaking terms. I won't say I was angry with him, because truth is I wasn't; I had simply chosen to ignore him altogether. So when rush started the day after orientation, I jumped right in. There was no harm in seeing what it was all about, right? I could back out any time I wanted. No pressure. However true those statements might have been, it didn't feel that way at the time. I felt like this was my only opportunity to meet people and get plugged in; it was a way for me to make my mom proud of me--my mom IS proud of me, but for some reason I am constantly looking for ways anyway; it was my chance to fit in and feel welcomed. So I stopped thinking and dove in head first. I converse with ease and am able to get along with diverse groups of people. The sororities all seemed to like me. Somehow I felt fake; talking to these girls was exhausting and not what I had anticipated. Three days later I received my bid from Alpha Delta Pi, and accepted it with a smile.
Bid day was fun, and there was laughter among the sorority, as the girls in the new pledge class were brought into the house and introduced to their new sisters. I laughed along with the rest of them, perhaps I laughed even louder. I seemed to fit in just fine, and this was what I had longed for all along. Yet, still, something felt off.
I began the balancing act of making meetings, events, and parties as well as attending my three hour night classes. Perhaps this wouldn't have been such a challenge for me had I not been hurting so on the inside. Some days getting out of bed was difficult, and attending a cocktail party seemed horrifying and impossible. I made all of the mandatory parties but one, and the one I missed was due to a class.
Once the craze of initiation and starting school slowed down, things seemed to be more manageable. Things with the sorority, I mean. My life seemed to become more unmanageable every day. On Monday nights I had sorority meetings, and this time spent with the girls was stressful and tiresome. I couldn't believe the way that the girls treated and talked about each other, much less that they actually thought their behavior was ok. I figured that they talked about me, too, when I wasn't around. The feeling of belonging had dissolved entirely. I still attended meetings and was sociable, but began to feel more and more that I didn't need to be there. I stuck it out through the semester, and was relieved when our meetings stopped for the break.
Over the break I couldn't take things the way they were anymore and finally allowed God to have my undivided attention. The Lord blessed me incredibly for this, while what I deserved was to be cast away and forgotten about. I began to seek him throughout the day and ask him to show me his will for my life, seeing as mine was failing pretty miserably. God was absolutely faithful in this, and I realized that when I went back to school, changes would have to be made and I was to get involved in a church and find a community in which I felt genuinely welcomed and loved. I wasn't sure what I would do about the sorority yet but I planned on taking things one step at a time--I trusted that he would show me what to do, and he most certainly did.
The week classes started back, so did Alpha Delta Pi's spring rush period. This meant that every day that week we would be required to attend parties at the sorority house talking to and rating new prospects. I only made it through one night. I felt deflated and discouraged when I got home--there was no building people up at the house, but rather arguments and harsh words between the girls as they disagreed over who to invite back to the second rush party. This was it. I prayed to the Lord and told him that if I was supposed to stay in the sorority I would, and asked him, if this was the case, to help me get through it because I didn't think I would be able to. Get Out, was all he said.
The next day I walked to the house, resigned my membership, and left. Though the decision was an emotional one as I felt I was letting people down by simply quitting, I felt and still feel confident that it was what God had called me to do, and I am thankful to Him for not only teaching me about myself in spite of a choice I made without his approval, but also for rescuing me from it.
The evening I quit the sorority I wasn't sure what to do with myself, and then I remembered that I had looked into a bible study earlier in the week--it was starting in an hour. I took a shower, grabbed my bible, and left. Only when I got to the door of the house in which the group meets did I realize that I didn't know a soul there and I would have to walk in alone. I have never felt more welcomed by a group of strangers in my life. These girls treated me as if they'd known me for years. How the Lord will bless us when we allow him to do so!

I cannot wait to see what God does with my life this semester; how he changes me, molds me, and heals me. There is much work to be done, and I have already slipped a few times, but for once I am reaching out and asking God to carry me through this. I've seen what it looks like without his involvement, and it's pretty bleak. I need to be healed and redeemed and I have finally realized that he is the only one who can do this. Not only is he capable, but he wants to! God wants to bring me out of this, though I deserve to sit and fester in the pit I've dug. I trust that I will be taught a lot this semester about who the Lord is and what he can do--I look forward to it with great anticipation.

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
As I go from nothing to Eternity
-Hosanna, Hillsong United-

Goldfish and Added Resolutions

In reference to my last post, where I listed several of my resolutions for the new year, I listed Number 5 as "keep Tobias alive". Well. Unfortunately, to my dismay, Tobias passed away shortly after I wrote that. While I am aware that I can be rather hard on myself, losing a fish in less than 24 hours made me feel like a complete failure. I felt terrible because I thought that if I'd never bought him, he would still be alive. But I am moving passed this in hopes that Tobias new I tried my hardest to keep him healthy and forgives me for failing at that.
I am convinced that Tobias died of Ammonia poisoning. I looked up the symptoms of this after having read about it on a forum and they are as follows:

1. Purple, red, or bleeding gills
   
2. Fish may clamp, may appear darker in color
3. Red streaking on the fins or body
4. Fish may gasp for air at the surface of the tank water
5. Torn & jagged fins

Well, Tobias' gills were quite red and he was definitely gasping for air at the surface of his bowl (I thought he was just looking for food!). A few minutes after he died he had purple marks on him from internal bleeding. This was the huge red flag. I felt terrible about what happened to Tobias, but was determined to keep a fish alive, happy and healthy!
So I read up on Ammonia poisoning and also on how to take care of a goldfish--I thought it might be better to know this time before I got the fish. Everything I read said that goldfish bowls are a common misconception; that is, a bowl is actually not a good place to house a goldfish. They are too small and without filters the water gets dirty and can make the fish sick. There is also less oxygen available to the fish because of the small opening in the bowl. And simply put, the fish needs more area to swim in than that offered by a fishbowl.
I felt new hope after reading this that, perhaps if I had a proper tank with a light and filter my fish would live better. So today I went to Walmart and found a perfect little 5 gallon tank that came with a filter, light, water purifier, and food for only twenty dollars! I also got some aquatic plants for the tank so that they'll help provide extra oxygen when they grow. Then I was off to Petsmart to find a new fish, that would hopefully come home with me and enjoy a happy life. Well, the employee in the fish department told me that the fish might be happier with a buddy, which is how I ended up with my two new goldfish, Chaya and Chael.
Setting up the tank was quite simple; the filter has little suction cups on it and all I had to do was stick it to the inside of the take. Actually the little hum sound it makes is quite comforting. It has a nice blue light that shines into the tank and soothes the fish. The plants are only bulbs at the bottom of the tank right now, and I'm excited for them to grow because they are supposed to get pink and white blossoms on them! How pretty will that be for Chaya and Chael--they better appreciate them. The two have been in their new tank for about six hours now and so far, so good. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I won't be convinced that they're really ok and healthy until they've been alive for at least a week. I am embarrassed to admit that the longest time I have ever kept a fish alive is two days. I don't know what the deal is! But this time will be different. I am determined that Chael and Chaya will live long, happy lives. Unless of course something out of my control happens, in which case I will not take the blame. But let's just hope that doesn't happen.

Anyway, in addition to my new resolution to keep Chael and Chaya healthy, I've thought of a few more for my list:

16. Cell phone should be turned off during class--no exceptions
17. Pay close attention to budget and reconcile it online monthly
18. Work on loving all of God's people the way He does...regardless of how I feel about them
19. Be a better friend to the friends I already have